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Heavy Impact (6/17/15): The Long, Winding, Clusterfucked Road to Slammiversary



Hi y'all! It's Marie again, giving you this week's Impact Wrestling round up.

First things first. This is TNA's tribute to Dusty Rhodes:



Mike Tenay starts the show and the official contract signing is on! Tenay calls on both number one contender, Ethan Carter III (with Tyrus, as usual), and the World Heavyweight Champion, Kurt Angle.



Before Angle can say anything, EC3 cuts this promo:

“Standing before him is the greatest wrestler who has ever lived. Kurt angle you are the best because you have beaten the best.  You have beaten heartbreak kids and Texas rattlesnakes. You have beaten cerebral assassins, and electrifying men. You have beaten next big things, ayatollahs, nature boys, and superstars who are rated R. Kurt, you have beaten dead men, immortals, and hell  *does the you can't see me gesture* guys who can't even see.  You have beaten submission machines, phenomenal ones, charismatic enigmas, icons, and kings of mountains. But Kurt Angle, what do they have in common? They have been beaten.  I haven't.  And Kurt Angle, you can't beat me…”

It is a strange speech. For a supposed adversary, EC3 is praising Kurt Angle too much. And it’s not just EC3. Everyone is raving how good Kurt Angle is. Crowing about the supposed fact dilutes the actual effect, not to mention that casual viewers, who might be expecting a super wrestling god, will most likely be underwhelmed.

And it’s a disappointing speech too, that in the year 2015, they are still shooting potshots at WWE. It has sadly become their crutch. In their defense, everyone does hint about their wrestlers past experiences or further activities outside their own company. ROH uses being called to the WWE in their storylines, NJPW uses it to show the otherness of their foreign employees, Lucha Underground’s Matt Striker used to do potshot too until he thankfully reined it in. Even WWE nowadays loves to crow about their new blood having indie backgrounds. But TNA’s references are nowhere near a subtle nudge, they are a crass shove.

So we go back to the contract signing. Kurt Angle says that EC3 is a spoiled brat but yeah, he is very talented. After the contract has been signed, Mike Tenay says that by signing it, they had mutually agreed to a tune-up match where they can choose each other’s opponent. Kurt Angle picks the destroyer, Bobby Lashey for EC3, which is the show’s main event.

Now we go to the best of five series between The Wolves (Davey Richards & Eddie Edwards) and the Dirty Heels (Austin Aries & Bobby Roode) for the TNA tag team championship. The current tally is 2-1 in favor of the Wolves, with the Dirty Heel winning the third match only because of dirty tactics (but of course).

These are, unfortunately, redesigned in green now.

MATCH 1: EDDIE EDWARDS defeats BOBBY ROODE

I like how the Dirty Heels are living up to their name only during desperate times. Dirty tactics will only stand out if they are used sparingly and also because Austin Aries and Bobby Roode are good enough to rely on their skills to get the job done.

I find the Wolves, especially Davey Richards, insufferable.  Their opening promo has him saying that they had been travelling all over the world, honing their craft, “whether it's at the dojos in Japan, carnival circuits in England or the worst possible arenas in Mexico.” That last one in particular made me raise my eyebrows.

Next up is Bram’s open challenge. Jeremy Borash is with Joseph Park who says he has fallen on “hard times.” ("Hey that could be my new gimmick! "Hard times" Joseph Park!" Borash:"That's terrible.") He has heard that Bram (who is at the back, harassing cameramen again) is challenging past TNA stars.

MATCH 2: BRAM defeats JOSEPH PARK

I enjoyed this match more than Crimson’s last week. I had always like Joseph Park and his brother, Abyss in the Impact zone, and I didn’t realize how much I missed them. I have to admit, Bram’s open challenges are growing on me.

MATCH 3: AWESOME KONG & BROOKE TESSMACHER defeat THE DOLLHOUSE

The Dollhouse versus Brooke Tessmacher & Awersome Kong next. Taryn Terrell then stipulates (hey, another one!) that it’s a double or nothing match. If Tess & Kong win, they both get a shot on her title. If not, they can never fight Taryn for her title ever again.

Amazing agility from Brooke and a solid feat of strength from Kong.
I like the Dollhouse. They are pretty creepy. They take every opportunity in the match to choke their opponents (sometimes with their bare hands) while grinning maniacally. That is disturbing. All in all, this is a good showing by the Knockout Division.

By the way, the Pope keeps on doing the Dusty Rhodes impression the whole night. I don’t know if I should be charmed or annoyed.

Meanwhile, a confrontation between Eric Young and Sgt. Chris Melendez is next. Eric Young’s ripping off of his prosthetic leg not only disrespected him but also the flag and the country. Out comes Eric Young, who says that while Chris Melendez is a hero before, in Impact Wrestling he is a newbie on the bottom rung of the ladder, while Eric Young is at the top of the mountain, a world class maniac. So anyway, I think there’s a lot of potential in Chris Melendez and it will be an interesting and exciting match next week.

MATCH 4: JESSE GODDERZ defeats DJZ

DJ Z didn't even wait until the bell to ring to take down Jesse Godderz with punches and a lot of fast and furious flippy stuff.  DJ Z attempts a flying head scissor but Godderz catches him and slams him with a powerbomb. DJ Z tries to turn things around but when Godderz puts him into the Adonis crab, DJ Z taps out and it’s over.

Jesse grabs a mic and says that the attack last week in Destination X wasn’t a mistake. He claims he was the only reason why the Bro-Mans won the tag team titles. But Robbie E and DJ Z suddenly left him alone to fend for himself. He grabs DJ Z by the hair and asked if he knows how it feels to be a loser, breathless, alone, a nobody. He lifts DJ Z over his head, when Robbie E comes in for the rescue! Jessie escapes, and I’m sure we’ll get to see more of this drama next week.

Next, a repeat of the Mickie James at the railroad video, then a cut to Magnus who is on strike until James Storm shows his rat bastard face. A trio of sorry looking security guards went to to try and escort Magnus out. Then the rat bastard, James Storm appeared on the ramp with a baby stroller. He said a lot of about Magnus and Mickie that leads to his conclusion that Mickie is a sorry excuse for a woman and Magnus is a sorry excuse for a man. As for the stroller, he says that it’s an insurance policy just to make sure Magnus doesn’t do anything crazy, like attack him. Which of course, is what Magnus did. When security managed to grab hold of Magnus, Storm kicks the strolled down the ramp. Magnus rushes to save the baby... only it's a doll. Furious, Magnus tries to catch Storm who narrowly escapes to the back.

Well, that baby's nanny is definitely fired.
I have always fond angles that involve real-life families distasteful and lazy. It is distasteful because it degrades a wrestlers’ private life into a circus, and then lazy on the part of the writers, who seems to be failing on their job to separate fiction from reality. You might say kayfabe is dead, so what’s the fuss? Well, a lot of people might claim it to be, yes, but it doesn’t mean that everything in a wrestler’s private life is fair game. There are certain things, like family and children, that should be protected at all costs. And this Magnus and Storm angle is even more icky by the overly OA confrontations that can only be found in the most tasteless soap operas.

We go now to…

MATCH 5: EC3 defeats BOBBY LASHLEY

My God, this is the most ridiculous match that I had ever seen in recent year. Just simply terrible. If this is the quality of the main event booking, I’m scared on the quality of the upcoming Slammiversary.

Ref #3... I think

So all in all, I give this episode a C-. We had a decent Knockouts match, but the rest are either average or terrible. I hope everything will be better next week. What did you think of Impact? Let us know in the comments!

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