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People Power (6/30/15): The Five Best Bodies In Wrestling Today



Welcome to the latest edition of People Power, the only column here at Smark Henry powered entirely by you, our beloved fellow smarks!

It's Body Appreciation Week here at the site because as we wrote earlier this week, if wrestling is theater, then a wrestler's body is his greatest prop. And so over the weekend, we asked you to vote on who you considered to have the five best physiques in wrestling today.

So without further ado, here's how the voting turned out.



*****

Honorable Mentions:
We just need to get this out of the way: You guys didn't vote John Cena onto the list.

WE REPEAT: YOU GUYS DIDN'T VOTE JOHN. FREAKING. CENA. ONTO THE LIST.

The man has a freaking fitness empire to his name, for crying out loud. That, for us, was the biggest omission. For that, we have one word for you all.


...okay, that felt good. Shame, indeed.

Other notable omissions include Captain Crossfit himself, Seth Rollins, as well as "The Show-Off" Dolph Ziggler, and the Swiss Superman, Cesaro.

It's hard, though, to argue who on the list they could have bumped off. The top vote-getters are a legitimately jacked bunch who each deserve the spot they got.

So whose physiques were awesome enough to bump those already-jacked dudes off the list? Let's get to it.

*****

#5 (32%)

Starting off with the number five spot, we have a tie! Up first is the (SPOILER) brand-new TNA World Heavyweight Champion (END SPOILER), Ethan Carter III.



EC3 has always been ripped as fuck since his NXT days, but he's taken his body to another level since breaking out in TNA. He's one of those rare specimens who can look lean and athletic despite looking like he had a quadruple scoop of Monster Mass and your first-born son for breakfast. 

The man can legitimately pull 600 pounds too, so you know he ain't one of those "all show, no go" pretty boy gym pansies.



They Call Him Cage is up next, and Jesus Christ he's looking ultra swole today.


In bodybuilding, the ultimate ideal is the fabled v-taper, where a massive chest, deltoids, and traps drop down to a slim, tight midsection, forming a v-shape that looks spectacular in both Speedos and a suit—think Chris Evans or Chris Hemsworth.

They Call Him Cage on the other hand doesn't have just any ordinary v-taper; he's got a yoke that looks like it was written in Arial Bold plummeting down into a Times New Roman waistline. For all the musculature packed onto his upper torso, the dude looks like he could fit into my 11-year-old stepdaughter's jeans. He probably deserved to have ranked higher on the list if not for the relatively low exposure he gets in Lucha Underground.

They Call Him Cage, but over here at Smark Henry, we just call him a beast.

*****

#4 (43%)

We welcome a royal entrant at the number four spot, with the reigning King of the Ring and a five-time Intercontinental Champion, England's own Bad News Barrett.


We've always known Wade Barrett was hella strong—anyone remember when he planted Big Show with the Wasteland?


It takes one hell of a body to lift a 500-pound mammoth of a man up in the air that way. 

But Barrett's body has been repeatedly beset by bad news throughout his five-year WWE career—that's the gimmick anyway, right?—with such injuries as a dislocated elbow or a separated shoulder taking him out of action for months at a time. Each time though, Barrett has relentlessly worked on fine-tuning his body into an even fiercer fight machine, coming back from injury with a progressively better physique. It's safe to say that his royal body today is the absolute finest we've ever seen him—ripped, lean, striated. We don't think we've seen better thigh-ceps than the pair BNB is sporting right now. 

You'd believe if he walloped you in the mouth with his devastating Bullhammer, it would be like getting smashed with a granite boulder. Just try not to let his distractingly assymmetrical abs get in the way.

*****

#2 (52%)

The number two spot sees yet another tie between two world-class talents.

First up is the mega-popular European star, Neville.


...wait, that isn't right. Goddamn Google Images. Let's try this again. 


...much better. 

So, Neville. "The Man Who Gravity Forgot" is also most likely "The Man Whose Gainz Never Stop," sporting probably the most impressive physique we've ever seen in a high-flyer. It's genuinely mind-boggling to see that much mass packed onto such a compact frame, but it isn't just size that impresses with Neville. It's the carefully sculpted peaks, the symmetry, the awesome balance between mass and definition that 99% of the aesthetics crew would kill for. Just looking at Neville's spring-loaded quads, you know that when he jumps, he may literally never come down again.

Lucha Underground's resident "Shaman of Sexy" Johnny Mundo is up next, and if that's how they make wrestlers down at the Temple, our girlfriends and wives are probably signing up for lifetime season passes with the El Rey Network.


Johnny World has always had one of the most impressive physiques in professional wrestling, but it's even more unreal what stellar athletic feats he can pull off with it, busting out standing moonsaults and shooting star presses like nothing, leaping and springing from platform to platform like a deranged parkour-addicted panther, twisting and hurling his body at impossible angles and spins to destroy his opponents.

It's not easy crafting a body this awesome. We've seen his workout videos, and are seriously considering just going back to Zumba.


Unreal.

Over here at the Smark Henry offices, we're huge supporters of #LoveWins, and we're unashamed to say that right here, right now, we're freaking gay for Johnny Mundo.

/ends moment

*****

#1 (65%)

It would take a one-of-a-kind physique to beat out both Neville and Johnny Mundo for the top spot in this People Power survey, and that's exactly the kind of body we're seeing at the number one spot with Finn Balor.


Forget everything you know about how good he is in the ring (and he's pretty damn excellent too). In a completely platonic, objective, rational manner of speaking (and with a deep, husky, manly voice too), that is how a bro should look.

Balor is the one wrestler with Armani good looks, Armani skills, and an Armani body—heck, he even used to wrestle in Armani trunks, and that made complete sense. His physique is impeccably-tailored to perfection: Enough muscle to intimidate a room full of Marines, but lean enough to trigger more laglag-panty moments among the ladies than Magic Mike XXL.

Heck, we even checked out his ab routine, and we're goddamn jealous. 


Seriously. That's an ab routine any old tita could do, and he ends up looking like that? There's one major learning we took from this video: He's Finn Balor, and we're not.

Overall, it's a well-deserved popular vote to the top spot, and we really can't argue. In the theater known as professional wrestling, Finn Balor is the future, and his physique will always get top billing.

*****

We think it's interesting that with the exception of EC3 and They Call Him Cage at number five, all of your choices were for wrestlers you could realistically imagine modeling for Calvin Klein or hanging out at the beach.

We could imagine Finn Balor doing this.
Larger-than-life meatheads like Ryback, Brock Lesnar, or Triple H—heck, even John Cena—who you could comfortably toss into the "freaks" category didn't make the list, making us think that perhaps the standard of what makes a "great wrestling physique" have changed. We're no longer looking for the next Hulk Hogan standing 6'8" with pulsating 24-inch pythons; it seems that the physiques we idolize are the ones that appear designed for overall athletic performance, are less otherworldly in their proportions, aspirational but still within the realm of the reachable.

How do you feel about the rankings? Still steamed over Captain Crossfit missing the cut? Pissed that Randy Orton got overlooked yet again? Drop us a comment below!

And remember:

Bodies can come
Bodies can go
But when you workout like Finn
Son, those abs gon' show!

*****

Mark De Joya (@MDJSuperstar) is an advertising professional and brand strategist by day, but dreams of being the Vince McMahon of the Philippines by night. He writes anything to do with numbers for Smark Henry: People Power, our weekly fan survey, and Best For Business, our regular financial report. With 18" arms and a 300-pound squat, he is also the official bouncer of the Smark Henry offices.

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