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#WTFWednesday (3/16/16): The Stone Cold Manual


It's that time of the year where we once again celebrate the sum'bitch known as "Stone Cold" Steve Austin. Not only that, but this is March 16, 2016, making this #Austin31616. As a special tribute to the Texas Rattlesnake, we've come up with the perfect solution to raise hell in true Austin style.

*glass shatters*

Greetings, dear Stone Cold fan!

You may have wondered long and hard as to what makes Stone Cold, well... Stone Cold. You may even have an inkling of it. That's great! However, there's more to one of pro wrestling's most iconic performers than simply having a goatee, a mustache, a little shaved head and bloodshot eyes from drinking copious amounts of alcohol (more on that later.). What you need is none other than...


What you now hold in your hands is the secret manual Steve Austin himself has created to set the guidelines for Project: Austin 3:16. It is a rigid set of rules that must be followed at all times, or else you will lose your Texas Rattlesnake license. We are dead serious when it comes to protecting the level of quality in our ranks. Trust us, renewal is a bitch.

Now, without further ado, let's get down to business. Grab a beer.

Attire

Please adhere only to the pre-arranged attire combinations. No deviance from the said combinations will be allowed, except for extreme cases.

Acceptable attire combinations
  1. T-shirts (gray to black shades only. Must have badass decal to be allowed. Beer stains are highly encouraged) and Jorts (Stone Cold doesn't give a rat's ass if it's gone out of style before high school kids today were born)
They're also a great way to make friends.
  1. Leather biker vest with a) black wrestling shorts; or b) aforementioned Jorts.
Flexing is optional.
Important notes
  • Knee braces are likewise encouraged, but no jewelry.
  • The only type of pants allowed are jeans.
  • Suits may only be worn only during funerals (although not necessary) or heel-turns.

Responsibilities

Excellent Hand-Eye Coordination.

Since you will be expected to catch beer cans at a regular basis 24/7, we expect all Texas Rattlesnake license holders to maintain an exemplary catch rate of 90%. We highly recommend, therefore, that you follow a strict training regiment to improve your catch statistics. We recommend taking in the services of NFL receivers,


Keep celebrations to a minimum. It's supposed to look effortless.

Monthly and surprise evaluations will be conducted to gauge this statistic on a 100-can reaction test. Awards and incentives such as limited edition Jorts will be given per area for those who have shown a rate above the minimum allowed. The guidelines will further be discussed to you during your first testing session.

Beers and the occasional championship belt, to be exact.

Swearing and Flipping the Bird

As Stone Cold, you are hereby required to give random people a big ol' flash of the middle finger.

Just like what I did right now.

Though not always in the heat of anger, it is a widely respected and accepted greeting used by your peers. It is a time-honored tradition set forth by the "Stunning" One himself, and as such will be carried out in true Austin fashion. Appropriate times to go double bird are as follows:

  • At the grocery
  • At your boss's office
  • At school
  • When addressing a crowd
  • Meeting celebrities
"I'm very excited to meet you, sir,"
  • During any live sporting events
  • On a second date
  • During filming of a timeless literary masterpiece movie adaptation (as demonstrated below)

That's called dedication to his craft.

Constantly Repeating Yourself

An unexplainable side-effect of channeling your inner Stunner is that those in your immediate vicinity will suffer from impaired hearing. Our senior researchers have yet to find a viable answer to this predicament.

...What?

However, we will not let such a trifling matter deter us. It is therefore often necessary to repeat your points a number of times, even if you enunciate your words clearly, or do so with a firm voice.

Perk (Yes, without an "s". It's really the only one you need)

Publicly Imbibing of Alcohol 24/7


Enjoy it, good sir. You've earned it.

Probably the greatest thing to come out of obtaining your Texas Rattlesnake license is consuming and partaking in alcohol at all hours of the day in any venue. Not only is it considered legal, it is also now expected of you. Be prepared to have beer tossed at you at random times. Fortunately, this is where your training kicks in. Your hand-eye coordination should be at the level that you will have a near-360 degree awareness of flying objects heading in your direction. Think of it as an alcoholic's Spider Sense.

Beer and jorts, the male version of a friendship bracelet.

*Please note that our Legal department expressly reiterates that we will not be held responsible for any consequences that may occur during intoxication (vehicular accidents, public nudity/scandal, unplanned pregnancies, etc.)


Excessive drinking is humorous to your health. I meant dangerous. That beer is dirty, Steve!

Conclusion

Well, there you have it. We've given you a brief overview with regards to what you can expect and is expected of you for your Stone Cold status. Please be advised that being a nasty sum'bitch is not just a privilege, but also a responsibility. Your local area handler will constantly be reporting to us regarding any and all updates regarding your membership

Make it rain.

Stun safely, a "Hell, yeah!" for your continued patronage of the Stone Cold brand.

*******

George Pastorwrites our weekly #WTFWednesday column. He got into judo because it was the closest sport available where it was perfectly fine to slam someone without getting expelled. His girlfriend is not amused.

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