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BotoMania: The Wrestling Fan's Guide to the 2016 VP Elections



Are you ready for election day, wrestling fans? We're creeping in on the 2016 national elections, and while we hope our piece on this year's presidential field helped shine some clarity on what's become an increasingly foggy field, we understand a lot of you out there are still looking for an epiphany when it comes to the vice presidential race.

Here at the Smark Henry offices, we sincerely believe everything seems clearer when you put it in wrestling context. That's why we're presenting our official guide to the 2016 Philippine vice presidential candidates to help all you rasslin' fans out there make up your minds on who to vote for as our country's second-in-command for the next six years.

#ParaSaBayan!

*****

Antonio Trillanes




Sen. Antonio Trillanes is none other than Ryback.

I mean, how isn’t he Ryback right now? The Big Guy is in the midst of a personal revolution, exposing some money-related secrets about the business that he hopes will catch on with the people. Trillanes just did the same in exposing presidential candidate Rodrigo Duterte’s secret bank accounts, hoping that it’s enough for people to catch on and demand some real change. But for the both of them, it’s only really persuaded about half the populace.

Not to mention that both men are somewhat irrelevant in their particular fields at the moment, despite showing some sort of promise (anyone who tried to overthrow GMA back in the day had, at least, the right idea). Now they’re not going anywhere far, but it was a good try.

*****

Leni Robredo 




The popular Leni Robredo is Bayley.

She’s a good woman, and you know you wanna hug her because it looks like she can take all your troubles away. And while it seems as though she’s got no bite behind her wholesome image—the foremost complaint with Bayley back before she ascended to main-eventing NXT—it doesn’t mean Leni doesn’t have the skills. Give them a stage where they can step up, and no doubt they’ll step up.

*****

Gringo Honasan 




Gringo Honasan is Damien Sandow.

Actually, you could replace Sandow’s name with any wrestler who was once touted as something big (except for Drew McIntyre, who’s made something of himself after a renaissance outside the WWE). Sandow and Honasan were both once rogues in the limelight; maybe they both had promise, maybe they would’ve been revolutionary in their own way, but now they’re largely forgotten. Nobody even remembers that Honasan is running as Jejomar Binay’s running mate, just like nobody quite remembers what happened to Damien Sandow’s potential after he broke away from the Miz. They’re going to suffer quiet—but not humiliating—defeats, and somehow everyone, including themselves, are okay with that.

*****

Chiz Escudero




Chiz Escudero is the Miz. The Miz Escudero.

You know it. You know it to be true. Chiz and Miz (there’s definitely a tag team name in there somewhere) both share an affinity for verbal diarrhea/autofellatio (depending on which angle you look at it), they’re both middling performers in their respective fields, and they both married hot women who were much, much too good for them.

They’re not going to win big things as they’ve pretty much hit their ceiling despite showing some good promise earlier in their careers. Chiz, while seemingly a sharp politician, looks like he’ll never be able to charm the people enough to be anything more than a senator, the same way Mike Mizanin really works best as a career midcard champion. They’re likely to taste the top assuming everyone ahead of them gets taken out of commission, and only when that happens.

And you know what? There’s certainly nothing wrong with any of that. Sometimes you just gotta find your place and accept that that’s where you belong.

*****


Alan Peter Cayetano




Alan Peter Cayetano is Virgil. You know, The Million Dollar Man’s faithful, devoted manservant.

Here is a man who totally sacrificed his entire individuality, his entire being to serve someone with more power and pull than he does. While Virgil might not have been as opportunistic in kayfabe character, Virgil the Old, Sad Ex-WWE Talent is still riding on Ted DiBiase, Sr.’s coattails to get by. APC is doing the same just to remain politically relevant, and we suspect that he’ll do the same once the elections are over and he’s out of the running.

If political conventions were a thing, he’d be setting up his own booth, unsolicited, with a huge banner that reads “ALAN PETER CAYETANO AND DIGONG DUTERTE.” But Du30 will be nowhere to be found, and no one will be lining up.

*****

Bongbong Marcos




And last, but not the least: Randy Orton is Bongbong Marcos.

Think about it. Although the Orton family was never as prominent until the rise of Randy, like him, Marcos is a well-known scion with some pedigree. And while we recognize that "Cowboy" Bob Orton was never as despicable as Papa Marcos allegedly was, Bob was better known as a lying, cheating heel who used underhanded tactics to get ahead (Remember that arm cast of his?).

Meanwhile, it’s likely that Bongbong might be the same psychopath that Orton was in his younger days. Even though we haven’t heard of any stories about BBM taking a dump in someone else’s bag, here was a guy who advocated bombing EDSA to get rid of the rallyists. Orton, on the other hand, had this infamous angle in which he was diagnosed with Intermittent Explosive Disorder, which profiled him as unstable and led him to do some very dastardly things. (Not to mention that he really was an immature kid who was up to no good in his younger days.)

Both men seem to have mellowed out as they aged, and a lot of people have seen some sort of appeal and gotten behind them (although Orton’s is arguably better earned and deserved) but it doesn’t really mean that you want to trust them outright. They’ll promise to be better this time around (and even outright deny that they did anything wrong) but you’d be pretty naive to take them at their word.

*****

What do you think of this year's veep field, Henrinites? Do you think someone as unproven as Leni Robredo is ready for the big stage, or will "The Apex Predator" of the Marcos clan shine through?

Let us know your thoughts in the comments below, and remember: It's not about what's #BestForBusiness, but what's #BestForBayan.

*****

Click here for the Smark Henry Guide to the 2016 Presidential Elections.

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