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Goodness, Gracious: Great Balls Of Fire 2017 Predictions


RAW’s exclusive pay-per-view, Great Balls Of Fire, airs live for the very first time this Monday morning (Manila time)! They’re coming from a solid build up of some storylines and a good go-home show, enough to keep people intrigued. This isn’t their best card, with only a couple of matches out of eight that people seem enthusiastic about. Look, a part of me just hopes they’ve built a huge pair of flaming testicles on the set. Because, you know, subtlety is key.

Cruiserweight Championship: Akira Tozawa vs. Neville (c)

For the past few weeks, RAW has been giving us the gift of Titus Worldwide working wonders for its new recruits. Why throw all of that away with Neville retaining? With whatever voodoo magic Titus gives his recruits to do better, I have a feeling the entrepreneur will keep his word about Tozawa becoming the next Cruiserweight Champion this early on, to focus on a deeper story involving Titus Worldwide and how he manages his successful clients later on. Titus seems to be managing Apollo Crews rather well, so I don’t see why the success won’t rub off on Tozawa.

Prediction: Akira Tozawa wins the Cruiserweight Championship

Enzo Amore vs. Big Cass

These guys have done very well in hyping their match up in the last couple of weeks so it gets me excited to watch what happens. However, I believe the storyline, as well as their careers, will start to plummet after this first match. It’s a tricky one: Big Cass must win to maintain the push he’s been receiving, but Enzo Amore must also win somehow if he wants any shot at becoming a credible singles competitor in his future without Cass. Unless, of course, he lasts really long in the ring against Cass and is able to actually fight back… But who am I kidding? Man, who the hell knows what’s in store for these two after this one-hit-wonder type of match.

Prediction: Big Cass wins

Ambulance Match: Roman Reigns vs. Braun Strowman

Do I even have to explain myself? Ugh. I’ll tell you what I want to see, though: Roman Reigns attempting a spear, Braun Stowman dodges, and Reigns runs straight into the ambulance door and has it shut closed. But in reality, Roman Reigns is going to win because the Creative Team wants him to, and because getting yourself in the back of an ambulance somehow has a weaker impact than being pinned clean—they’ll then use this as a way for Reigns to go home with the victory while generating minimal damage to Strowman.

Prediction: Roman Reigns wins. Duh.

30-Minute Iron Man Match for the RAW Tag Team Championship: The Hardy Boyz (Jeff and Matt Hardy) vs. Cesaro and Sheamus (c)

Let’s face it, the Hardy Boyz ain’t going nowhere and expect them to constantly be the one of the headlining tag teams on RAW. With Sheamus to be out for a while to film for a movie with Josh Duhamel, the logical thing to do here is for the Hardys to give Cesaro and Sheamus the tag match of their lives, and then ultimately go home with the championships. Another great team (perhaps either The Revival or The Club) would then go after the new champs and it’s a new chase all over again. Whatever, I’m just glad this feud is over. Please let it be over.

Prediction: The Hardy Boyz win the RAW Tag Team Championships

Seth Rollins vs. Bray Wyatt

This match, overall, is damaging to either loser anyway, and useless to either winner. I hate to see two of the company’s best Superstars in this position, where the Creative Team has absolutely no idea what to do with them. The way I see it, Seth Rollins absolutely cannot lose this match otherwise it destroys everything they have ever campaigned for him being on the cover of the WWE 2k18 videogame. On the other hand, Bray Wyatt is too precious of a talent to make him lose to something almost meaningless like this game promotion. Had there been a much bigger and better reason for Wyatt to lose, it would’ve been fine. But a poorly thought-out storyline with weeks of exchanging nonsense with no real reason to fight, it’s clear that the only thing that would make this match worth watching is the wrestling skills these two will use to create potential magic. Or, you know, Rollins could end Wyatt in about 5 moves like a WWE 2K simulation.

Prediction: WWE’s untouchable baby until the 2K18 promotion time fades, Seth Rollins, wins

RAW Women's Championship: Sasha Banks vs. Alexa Bliss (c)

The women’s division has been incredibly stale lately, and I’d say it all went downhill from the moment Alexa Bliss won the Women’s Championship. It’s nothing against her—it’s just that the crowd was unable to truly get behind her as a champion on the RAW brand, since no other woman was made to look like a threat to her. There was Bayley, and that was cool, until we got that awfully written segment with the weird actors and it ruined everything.

The women’s storylines are all over the place at the moment and that’s what you get when you decide to just throw every female on the roster in the same segments. None of them looked like they were genuinely after the title. I’m not sure what the heck is going on, but in terms of this match, it seems to me that Nia Jax is going to find a way to get herself involved. Knowing she has issues with both the champion and Sasha Banks, it’s tough to predict who she’d screw even more. I have a strong feeling that Bayley will be in Sasha’s corner when needed, so get ready to see Sasha as your new RAW Women’s Champion. Again. For the 4th time.

Prediction: Sasha Banks wins the RAW Women’s Championship

Intercontinental Championship: Dean Ambrose vs. The Miz (c)

Are you kidding? With these new jabronis Miz hired plus a sneaky Maryse, there’s no giving Ambrose any room to win. The Miz will cheat his way out of this match or find a way to disqualify himself. It’s predictable, I know, but I’m not sure they’d want to see Ambrose hold another title in a long while.

Prediction: The Miz retains the Intercontinental Championship

Universal Championship: Samoa Joe vs. Brock Lesnar (c)

I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that Samoa Joe has this in the bag. Brock Lesnar’s time as champion is, or at least should be up. Ever since winning the Universal Championship at WrestleMania 33, Lesnar hasn’t showed up to defend it until now. I believe they were searching for good candidates for The Beast to lose to, and I don’t see any reason why Joe wouldn’t be considered as a perfect one. If the rumors about Brock Lesnar vs Roman Reigns being postponed from this year’s SummerSlam to next year’s WrestleMania are true, I’d expect Lesnar to lose the title now and have Reigns win it down the line to have him walk into the main event of WrestleMania as champion. 

Prediction: Samoa Joe wins the WWE Universal Championship

*****

I’m no wrestling Nostradamus, you guys. You see, with the WWE, there really is no telling when they’ll feel like completely f*cking you over. Sometimes, we smarks predict that a certain result is the absolute right decision to make because we are kind enough to make sure each party benefits from it fairly even if it’s predictable. They, on the other hand, like to give us what’s unpredictable even if it sucks, just to maintain that element of surprise. That said, I probably just gave away a technique to winning those yearly WrestleMania bets...

Personally, I can’t wait to wake up four hours earlier than my usual wake-up time for this pay-per-view! But if I don’t get my desired set, I might consider going back to bed until the main event comes on.

Photos by WWE

Comments

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